I Am Not My Mental Illness! Or Am I?

As a person who lives with mental illness (schizophrenia, bipolar 1) it seems I spend an inordinate amount of time emphasizing to people that I am not my illness. When people discover that I live with a mental health diagnosis it seems they thereafter incessantly analyze and pick apart all I say and do looking for signs of or glimpses of madness. At times I want to grab people by the shoulders look them in the eye and say not every loud laugh is mania, not every passionate emotion indicates instability, not every tear is depression, and not every eccentric thought is psychosis.

Since I received my first mental illness diagnosis at age 20, well meaning, caring mental health professionals (doctors, social workers, psychologists, support workers, nurses, counsellors) have been telling me emphatically, "you are not your illness!" I embraced this philosophy and ran with it. Hell no I am not my illness I shouted to the world...well at least until a few days ago.  You are probably wondering what changed. I try to advocate for mental health in real life and on social media. I try to educate, inform and provide information about mental health issues. I readily share my observations and experiences of living with mental illness.

A few weeks ago in the course of doing what I do, a lovely woman who works as a life coach challenged me to talk more about me, not my illness but the parts of me that are not illness. She said "talk about Heather, not illness." I thought this was a fantastic idea and thought it would make a great blog post. I would list the myriad things that are just me not illness...because I am not my illness!...right?

I was so excited about this and promptly sat down to list all the things that were me and all the things that were illness. I ran into a huge roadblock. After over an hour of thought and deliberation I realized I could not do this. I could not separate Heather from illness. I found it impossible to tease out what was illness and what was me. I was frustrated that I could not do this but then had an epiphany...I have lived with symptoms of mental illness since childhood. I also have lived with a mental illness diagnosis for many more years than I lived without one. This is not good or bad, it just is. I realized that who I am is very much intertwined and enmeshed with my illness. In many ways yes I am my illness.

What I really should be shouting from the rooftops and what the professionals should have been telling me is that  I am not the stereotype of my illness, not what stigma leads you to believe I am, I am not what the public perception of mental illness is and that I am not nearly as different from you as you might want to believe.
I think I am an empathetic person. I help others to the best of my ability. I am a caring person. I embrace and support diversity and unique people. I have a strong need to fight for fairness and equality. I am understanding and compassionate. This is Heather. It is not mental illness, however, these qualities have been shaped by my experiences. I truly believe that mental illness and experience has gifted me with these qualities in abundance. I believe they developed from my struggles. The biggest gift my illness has given me is my sense of humour, ability to not take myself too seriously and to laugh at my illness and myself. I am so appreciative of this gift. I cannot imagine a life without laughter.

As far as my bad qualities go, I am often impatient, angry, frustrated, unhappy, impulsive and short tempered. These can be part of my illness and may be exacerbated by illness but they are often all me and part of being human. It is not always possible to separate me from the illness.

At times I am ensconced in my illness. I struggle with hallucinations, delusions, depression and mania. These are symptoms of my illness but they are also an integral part of me and who I am because I live intimately with them much of the time. These symptoms are recurring and life-long. Symptoms can last a few days or up to a year. They are as much a part of me as the good qualities and bad qualities. I hereby claim the good and the bad of my illness as part of me. In part yes, I am my illness, or more accurately my illness is an integral part of me.

There has been a backlash recently about labelling or diagnosing people. Many people I know (though none who live with schizophrenia) are against the use of the word schizophrenic. The word schizophrenic means living with schizophrenia. It is no worse than diabetic, asthmatic etc. It describes a disease process and no more. We need to work on public perception of what the word schizophrenic means. It is okay to be schizophrenic the same way it is okay to be diabetic. It is okay to have mental illness and is okay to become at peace with your illness and recognize how it has shaped and contributed to your life and experiences.

What I am not, is the stereotypes and stigma of my illness. I am not and have never been lazy, criminal, sociopathic, multiple personality, homicidal, stupid, scary or a danger to others. I am capable when well of functioning and living on my own and being a productive member of society.
I firmly believe that instead of wasting effort teasing out what is me and what is illness. (the good, the bad, the ugly, the illness...it is all me), we need to teach society how to tease out what is stigma and what is fact, what is the person and what is the stereotype.

To those who tell me I am not my illness, I tell you I am not my stereotype.
This blog post marks the first time in many months that I was capable of writing coherently. If you like this post it was all me...if it is terrible it is the illness :-P